[music - Stanley Climbfall Lifehouse]

So the word of the day:

disillusionment - noun [dis·il·lu·sion·ment] 1. loss of false belief, disappointment caused by a frustrated ideal or belief

I thought I had learned the lesson that pedestals were meant only for frustration because its only human nature to be flawed, but wow! When I'm wrong I'm wrong. The only other woman, besides my mother, I've ever looked up to has officially fallen....or should I say been exposed.

Materialistic, self-centered, hard-headed to a fault - this has been the woman I've set my sights on being like. Boy, am I glad I failed (@ least for the most part...I hope). I've been told I am giving & considerate to a fault & that most would expect me to be more materialistic & up-ity than I really am, probably because those are arguably two characteristic that I despise the most in a person.

I've come to the realization that all we can do is be the best person we can be. Maybe I'm wrong about my cousin, maybe I'm the only one that is this dissappointed in the depth of her character(or lack thereof), maybe people look @ me the same way I'm looking @ her. In which case, it all comes down to my best judgement for me & no one else. To wake up every morning & strive to have character to my definition of character & hope that @ the end of the day I can go to sleep & say I contributed positively to the world today.

Recently, I've also been questioning my walk with God a lot. It's definitely been a bumpy ride over the last year or so but I feel like I'm on the brink of pushing thru to that new level that is the reason for it all. But how to press thru? That is what I've lost....or should I say forgotten. I think a good deal of my anxiety...doubt....uncertainty about me is I'm a feeler, a senser. I'm relying on my feelings to tell me how me & God are doing & I know from experience that feelings & emotions tend to be big fat liars.

My desire is to get back to that place where I don't need a "feeling" to tell me He is close or that I am doing the right thing. I've been there before so I have faith I can get back there. This time it'll just be a lil harder. But that's okay because I accept the challenge. The challenge to be my own woman, to stand up on my own two feet & take ownership of my realtionship with my Savior because @ the end of the day the buck stops with me & I can't rely on people to help because He is all the help I need.

So God, tonite I say to you: You are my One & Only. I've been making excuses & we both know that is not in my nature. Today, it begins...it begins & ends with me. I accept that responsibility & know that I only need to turn around to be right back in the security of Your arms. Thanks for never giving up on me. I love You.

Christin

oh p.s. Thanks for giving me such an awesome Mom & best friend. As flawed as she maybe she is absolutely perfect for me. You are definitely the best match maker there is.