[music - Under Rug Swept Alanis Morisette]

21 Things I Want in a Lover

by

Alanis

do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?

do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?

do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate wisdom?

do you see everything as an illusion?

but enjoy it even though you are not of it?

are you both masculine and feminine?

politically aware?

and don't believe in capital punishment?

these are 21 things that I want in a lover

not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like freedom?

are you funny?

a la self-deprecating?

like adventure?

and have many formed opinions?

these are 21 things that I want in a lover

not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter

these are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I'm in no hurry I could wait forever

I'm in no rush cuz I like being solo

there are no worries and certainly no pressure

in the meantime I'll live like there's no tomorrow

are you uninhibited in bed?

more than 3 times a week?

up for being experimental?

are you athletic?

are you thriving in a job that helps your brother?

are you not addicted?

. . . curious and communicative . . .

So this song is the epitome of my life right now. (Well, maybe I'd have a few more than 21, change some of hers up a bit, but yeah this pretty much sums it up) I'm living my life without regrets & having fun in the process. Now that Phoenix is getting closer & closer my feelings on it flip more often. I think its just nerves because this is a HUGE step but I'm insanely excited @ the same time. So I have had 3 people @ 3 different times respond to me & my reasons for moving to Arizona with, "OMG, you're gonna meet someone aren't you?" Now I really don't understand how my moving to be a part of this church have anything to do with members of the opposite sex! No I do not know anyone in Phoenix of the opposite sex so don't get your lil minds a-workin cuz that is absolutely not the reason for my migration to the Midwest but everyone's match-making attempts & pondering of my motives has made my mind wander. It'd just be nice to have someone to chill with that gives me butterflies. But I don't want to walk into Phoenix with boys on the brain. My purpose is to get closer to God & really pursue my destiny on my own terms (or should I say God's). I just feel like I need to free myself from this place, to get to a place where there isn't so much cling & clatter above my head making it difficult to focus on God long enough to hear what He's trying to say to me. & if a boy comes later, icing on the cake! But God is the 3 course meal I'm after & hopefully Phoenix will be & is the place God has called for me to be this season.

[music - Before These Crowded Streets Dave Matthews Band]

so, I love my life. I had an awesome time yesterday. First I went to The Black Eyed Peas & Pussy Cat Dolls concert....fantabulous!!!!! PCD were amazing! Their choreography was SO HOTT it made the tips of my fingers & my toes itch cuz it made me wanna dance so so so so bad!!!! like so bad! & I was kinda expectin the BEPs to sound not as good as they do on their cds but they sounded exactly the same! I was most impressed with how well Fergie sang & I have come to the conclusion that Will.i.am is one of the best MCs out there right now! But simply because he's got humor instead of tryin to act all hard & shit he doesn't get the recognition he deserves.

So after the concert, I met up with Beth & Erica & 2 of Erica's homeboys @ Pawnshop. We had SO much fun! Both of the boys were hot (& its always more fun to party with hot boys!) One of them is one of Erica's men & wow were they like the same exact person! It was almost scary how alike they were! But yeah, so there was him. But oh his friend! Gorgeous! So here is how the night went:

When I got to Pawnshop Bethany was like, "Girl, I have a new found respect for you. You are such a ride-or-die bitch & you don't give a fuck! You do what you wanna & you don't depend on anyone else & I truly truly admire you for that." & I really was like that most of the night. I didn't feel the need to always have someone all over me. But whatever. So buddy we were with was SO hot but you could tell Beth didn't want to feel like the third wheel so she was definitely goin after him seeing as Erica's man was definitely off-limits. So most of the night it was me & Beth dancin with this guy. @ one point they started to get a lil heated so I just gave em a lil space. We regrouped around this couch I was sittin on & caught our 2nd wind & went back to the dance floor. Somehow Erica, her man, & Bethany all disappeared & left me & cutie on the dance floor alone. He whispered in my ear, "I love the way you move." & yeah, we proceeded to make out. yes! I swear making out is one of my fav pasttimes. I kept turnin around to make sure Beth wasn't comin around a corner cuz I didn't know how she would take it. I wasn't expecting anything past this nite with this guy & I know Beth's got a line of men she's pimpin but I wasn't really sure what she wanted from him, so I was a lil hesitant. Finally he grabbed me by the belt loops & pulled me into the middle of the crowd so I would stop lookin around. Yeah, it was fun. :) Then out of nowhere Beth pops up @ starts dancin with us. He turns around & is facing her but won't let go of my belt loop so I can't go anywhere. I dunno if it cuz we were all tipsy or if she was pullin him but a few times the two of them kinda fell away from me & every single time he'd reach his hand out & grab me & pull me to him. Then he turned & faced me & it looked like he was about to kiss me when Beth grabbed my arms & turned me around so we were all facing the same direction. lol it all made me laugh. Then we went into the bus @ Pawnshop & sat. Erica was givin her man a lap dance & then Beth started givin our cutie one too. I hung for a lil while until I felt like it was startin to get a lil too 3rd wheel-ish for me. Plus, I didn't want it to start bein a competition between me & Beth cuz it didn't need to be. So I hug Beth (man, I love that girl!), I hug Erica & her man, & then I bend down to hug the cutie & he goes, "Wait! You're leaving?" He pulls me back down & says, "Why? Don't leave yet!" I don't even remember if I responded to that cuz I just couldn't stop smiling! lol but yeah, it was a very nice ego booster for me. Plus, I had a lot of fun with my girls. So all in all: 2 thumbs up!

As These Padded Walls Recede

Insecurities lingering

Clinging to a heart, attached to a name

An unwillingness to move on

Phobic to step outside & live

Disheartened in knowing the sacrifice of another life

won't bring his back

Fixated on the pledge to never forget

Authorizing its hold over my life

Allowing the past to consume the present & overshadow the future

Until one day, the sun simply arose on my subconscious

Finally relieving this straight-jacket feeling

I've been abiding in for so long

Uncovering the wings that have always been a part of me

Stirring excitement for the future

Freeing me to be a living tribute

A lasting reminder that life is worth the living