[music - Live from Another Level Israel & New Breed]

I am really good @ procrastinating. I mean really good!
I have a paper I need to write that's due tomorrow afternoon & another I need to revise for Thursday morning, not to mention all the reading I really need to start catching up on!
But as you can see I am doing none of the above. So instead, here are some random thoughts for you...

So Mykul told Farah the other day that we don't really hang out any more. & its the truth. I have found that my life is a lot less drama filled with him being a minor part of my life instead of a major. Plus, every time I say lets do something he's always too high to function!

I will always love him but I can't save him & right now he's not doing anything with his life & doesn't really aspire to in the future. The only thing worse than a has-been is a never-was & that is the exact direction he is heading. They say "the people you suround yourself with is a direct refelection on your character." & if that's the case then it is definitely necessary for me to put some distance between us.

It's just that I'm entering a new chapter of my life and with change always comes transition & that's never easy. I've got enough stress of my own without the extra burden of trying to save someone that obviously doesn't want to be saved. period. end of story.

[music - silence in all its glory]

why am I so intimidated by silence?
sometimes its okay to have nothing to say
a simple thank you would suffice

but I feel the need to fill the space
load it with meaningless gibberish to disguise my insecurities
the fear that if I don't have all the right words to say
you'll come to the realization that
its not so beneficial to call me friend

but I don't understand

you've never given my a reason to doubt you

maybe because this issue really has nothing to do with my doubt in your friendship

but more of my uncomfortability in my own skin

I've known you for 3 months
& already you've opened my eyes to so many truths about my being
all this without any knowledge of it!
you're the only one in my life right now that I feel sees right thru me
like when you're around its impossible for me to lie to myself
I know I have to be honest
because if I'm not you're sure to call me out on it

they say that confidence comes with age
& although I do recognize that I am much more confident than I was @ 16
I thought I would be further than I am now
for God's sake I'm 21, I'm about to graduate from college & step out into the real world
the world that will eat you up & spit you out if you don't know who you are
so I guess I should be grateful to be confronted with this now
I can only become better for it
but wow is it a blow to the ego!

[music - "Luv Addict" Family Force 5]

Church was wonderful today. I walked out feeling so at peace about...well, the future, basically. Pastor Ken was hilarious & I think I'm actually gonna retain his message today about the differences of love & lust [it seems obvious but he brought new eyes to the situation].

So after church, I'm driving on the freeway back to my apt & since I wore a long sleeve shirt to church & I live in South Florida I decided to drive home in just my bra [pants remained on...so don't get any ideas!] I've done it before & its never been a big deal before. But of course today I'm driving & I see Nate, yes Nate! The guy I used to almost date [lol wow that sounds weird on paper!] Anywayz, how he recognized me in huge sunglasses & new car since he last saw me I'll never know. But he definitely chased me down the freeway [I mean I was doin 90 mph & I couldn't lose him!] I ignored him like he was just some random guy tryin to holla until I was gettin on the Turnpike & he yelled "Christin!" I looked, smiled, waved & quickly drove away! Lol! Wow! Talk about awkward! & stuff like this happens to yours truly & yours truly alone!

[music - Until My Heart Caves In Audio Adrenaline]

it's crazy how good life is...even when it's not!
I've known since I began that yoga would be good for me but last nite it jumped like 3 notches in the "important to Christin's sanity" book. Yoga keeps me real. True & honest with myself. 'Cause lord knows in all that heat & physical exertion the mind cannot keep up the masquerade, thankfully.

& it's amazing how the world is so much brighter once you process the difficult. I mean really! Today I felt like the sun came out just to see my smile & brought with it the breeze to kiss my face. I am so thankful for God always surrounding me with good people. No matter where I go or what I do God manages to always provide me with good energy thru really good people. Now, I know I will never be alone. He is much to close & loves me way too much to let that happen [unless of course He's trying to teach me something & that I can handle].

Anywayz, God is good & so is life. In the words of a beautiful woman & musician: "You gotta love livin' while you're livin' or you won't love life." Obvious but so true.

breathe in. breathe out.

breathe in. breathe out.

breath seemingly the only antidote

to the tangible pain in my chest

so much inside my head has gone unprocessed

leaving me with feelings of conflicting nature

swimming & swirling

until they become orbs of distress

masked by denial & a smile

the perfect package for coasting through life

but to much of my dismay

my emotions have found their way to the surface

spilling all over my face & into every facet of my body

demanding my attention & affection

challenging me to be brave & live

live with eyes open, arms open, heart open

to love my tears instead of fear them

because they are a wonderful sign that

i am

& if nothing else

i can live with that

[music - Try! John Mayer Trio]

So I had an absolutely fabulous time in NYC!!! I know its weird but I really could not have picked a better person to celebrate my b-day with other than my mom.....when it comes down to it she really is the best friend I have & I totally appreciate her for it.

So nite #1: RENT!

After much unnecessary drama with Ticketmaster, we finally made it to our 3rd row seats for RENT! There are absolutely no words for how amazing it was! I was pleasantly surprised how good it was cuz I knew I was gonna be kinda critical after seeing the originals in the movie. The guy who played Mark was PHENOMINAL! He was hilariously funny & had a really good voice & really made the part his own, he didn't try & do it exactly like Anthony Rapp & still did it well. The guy who played Roger sang SO much better than the orginial it was crazy!!! But they gave him a crappy blonde wig which made it kinda hard to believe he was supposed to be straight. But the best part is I got to take a pic with both of them! & after talking to him for awhile I no longer question his sexuality (lol)

nite #2: STOMP

So we shopped til we couldn't shop anymore today! I found an H&M which is the best clothing store EVER! I discovered it this summer while I was in Europe & had no idea they were in the US @ all so I was absolutely thrilled! Just so happens we run into this girl that goes to the U too & her mom! We eat dinner with them @ Chez Josephine & had a great time together. We catch a cab to STOMP & we're on the 2nd row! OH MY LORD were these guys beautiful!!! I mean drop dead gorgeous! They were hilarious & so so talented. One of them messed with my mom the entire show & for those who know my mom know she messed right back! It was the funniest thing! Only my mom gets away with talkin to a guy on stage during the entire show!!! lol good times

nite #3: The Color Purple
This show is so freakin amazing its CRAZY!!! It made me laugh, it made me cry (on more than one occasion! lol) The girl who played Ceily was the understudy & I was kinda sad & scared that she was gonna really suck but OMG! She blew it out the water!!! She was great! The singing was great & I loved that even tho the show is known for its singing there was dancing in it too! Not anything super dramatic but just enough that it fit & was so appropriate. I've never read the book so everything I know about the story is only what the movie tells so it was awesome to see what happens in between all the parts the movie cuts out. FANTASTIC! The only way to describe it.

nite #4: Menopause, the Musical
Today, I was feelin kinda under the weather so we skipped shoppin today & went to a movie, Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion. It was funny, not as funny as Diary of a Mad Black Woman, but not as cheezy either. It was good to chill for a second. Then we saw Menopause, the Musical & it was definitely hilarious! "I'm havin a hot flash, a tropical hot flash!" The story of my mother's life! lol It was good to see her enjoying herself so much. Then for the finale they brought up women from the audience that were or are goin thru menopause so you know my mom was the first up there! It was hilarious! Too bad I didn't snap a pic of my mother's off broadway debut! (felt really stupid for that one) Afterwards we went to this jazz club, Birdland. It was beautiful but the band was less than impressive (I mean I didn't know people really payed to see jazz bands that don't have a brass section!) But I had me an apple martini to ring in my 21st b-day with a dose of green liquor, so all in all it served its purpose. The best part about it is the lady sitting @ the table next to us was hysterical funny! Her & my mom were cuttin up the entire set & she insisted on buying me a glass of champaigne @ the bar in her hotel once the set was done. We talked to her for about 2 hrs. & it just so happens she lives in Phoenix! She gave me her phone number & said to call her when I get out there cuz she has some connections & can probably get me a job out there! yippie for coincidences!! (or what I like to call divine appointments!)

nite #5: The Lion King

So I've come to the conclusion that for this musical balcony seats are definitely better. I was kinda dissappointed at this showing cuz I've seen the show before and was absolutely blown away by everyone's voice, but this time around I felt like adult Simba wanted too badly to be a popstar instead of an actor on broadway! Mom thinks its cuz he just thought he was too pretty. But adult Nala & young Nala were phenominal & definitely made up for other short comings. So the reason I made my mom see it again was cuz I was forced to miss the finale & A Place Called Hope used one of its songs for a finale in one of our productions so I was eager to see the original rendition of the song. Yeah, so dissappointed! Maybe I like things big or maybe I just have a bias but I think our finale was so much better than the actual showing of it! The song is so big & so powerful for it to just be Simba wondering around the stage by himself!!! He needed some back up dancers BAD!!! But in the end its still an awesome show. After the show Brittany met us for a b-day drink & dinner......

& so ended my trip to NYC!

[music - juvenilia Charity Daw]

I don't know what my deal is today. Well, not even today, more like tonite. Somewhere between yoga and the drive home I found myself on the wrong side of the world.

Maybe I'm just tired and knowing I have a paper to write before I can sleep has made the exhaustion slip into every facet of my brain. I want to cry right now, but for why? Am I really that tired I'm almost forced to tears? Dude! That's serious!

Thank God the strike of noon tomorrow rings in the beginning of my spring break!

[music - Live at the Door Nichole Nordeman]

okay, so I've been successfully procrastinating from doing my homework all day. [it's almost 2 a.m. & all this shit's due @ 12:30 p.m. I've got time right?]

so I'm hoping maybe if I admit my laziness in writing I'll be able to move past this state of A.D.D. & actually get my work done so I can sleep some time soon. I guess all we can do is hope.

but anywayz, I love loving life. It's a good habit to pick up.

goodnite.

[music - Be Common]

So today I made an internal discovery.

When I was 15 I had no desire to learn to drive, in fact, my Mom had to make me. Oddly enough, once I learned it became one of my favorite things to do. I really do love it!

My car is my sanctuary.
The place where no one can tell me who I am or am not
who I should or shouldn't be.
The place where all stresses & worries vanish in the breeze.
Where there is nothing standing in between me & the beauty God created especially for me.

Today, it hit me why I love to do it so much.
One of the best years of my life took place in high school with a very close knit group of crazy people. Looking back on that year, a lot of the best moments took place on the way to some insignificant destination. We used to look forward to our trips in the Navi - the one place all 6 of us could fit comfortably. Now that I think about it, the moment that started the Fab Four (which later, somehow, turned into 6) was in a car. We were a clique and were not ashamed to be so, although that word brought about so many misconceptions about our character. Sometimes certain people just click, and us, we clicked.

It was here we were free from all labels
All prying eyes that thought they knew

On the road we found freedom
the freedom to enjoy life
to live for the moment
because no one knows
when the next will be our last.

I guess forever isn't as long as we thought, huh?
Either way, I love you, Sam.
Thanks for opening my eyes to how good life can be.

[music - juvenilla Charity Daw]

if I were to cry.....
for no reason at all...
would you still hold me?

Or would you look at me like....
like you know what it is that's going thru my mind.

in the whirlwind of commotion that is my brain
....don't assume you are that talented.

if I can't figure it out...
then neither will you.

[music - The Chicago EP Mat Kearney]

So I'm slightly sad.

So here's the story..... Two weeks ago, I went to this party & met a lot of awesome new people. One in particular made my night awesome, his name is Fred, Frederick to be exact. He's really sweet & it doesn't hurt @ all that he's really good looking too. So we have a mutual friend, Charolette. We all went to Boogie's last Tuesday & had a really good time.

Whatever, whatever I think he may still be interested but I have no idea of knowing. I was hoping he was gonna be @ Boogie's again last nite but they were IDing (I guess cuz it was Fat Tuesday) so I knew he wouldn't cuz he's only 19 (why I always like the younger guys I will never know!)

So I really really really really didn't want to do this but I think I have been left with no choice.....I'm going to have to ask Charolette! WOW! I feel like I'm in freakin middle school again!!! aaahhh! plus I don't want Charolette to think I want to be friends with her cuz I'm trying to get to Fred.

Whatever! I'm just gonna do it tonight & get it over with! I just need to know either way, for my own peace of mind.

But anyways, I think Tuesdays @ Boogainvillea's is becoming a roomie tradition (which is a very good thing cuz we hardly hang out without it!) It was a lot of fun last nite even without Charolette & Fred :(

Sam & Eric play every Tuesday with this awesome reggae band. The atmosphere is so chill its awesome. Good people, good music = the only way to live life! I convinced Lauren to come out & he brought Phillipe (who is also friends with Fred) & he invited us out to Tu Tu Tango's where he DJs on Friday.

It's crazy, I've been dying to meet new people, cool new people & one change in my life & they flood in! Who would've ever guessed that Yoga would have such an effect on my life in its entirety?!

Tally's friend Serena came last nite too. She was fucking HILARIOUS! good times, good times! She even bought us all a round of drinks cuz me & Brit were cashless! Last nite was just awesome as a whole. The atmosphere was almost electric with all the good vibes. It was fantastic!

& so I know this will sound absolutely random if you've never read The Five Love Languages (which you should cuz it's freakin awesome!) but I was telling my mom how after leaving Hope, I struggled to fill my love tank. Being there almost everyday & getting a minimum of 25 hugs every time I walk in the place. When I left I went so long without the touch of another human being (other than my fam of course) that I fell into a hardcore partying phase. The simplicity of a hug lacking in my life made that hunger for affection grow into a pretty large beast that took me places that only God got me out of.

I don't regret any of that time in my life (cuz to be honest it was fun for the moment) but it made me understand myself so much more. LOL sssoooooooo I said all that to say that Eric (my yoga instructor) gives the BEST hugs! Sometimes I think he makes things WAY too complicated (life just isn't that deep ALL the time!) but I am really thankfull for him cuz his hugs = 1,000 hugs a day! lol Ask Brittany! She'll tell you.

moral of the story: Good people are out there but if you're not seeing them in your life than change something!

"Doing the same thing & expecting different results is the definition of insanity."