So today was another prime example of me wearing my heart on my sleeve.

So my friend & fav yogini is leaving at the end of this week...& doesn't know if he'll ever be back. Well, we were never the closest of friends but I truly appreciated having him around. He is definitely a unique human being & it was such a learning experience having him in my life.

During one of the roughest times in my life he really pushed me to be completely honest with myself and embrace my emotions because they are something to be loved, not feared. I can definitely say my life has been enriched by knowing him.

So went to say bye to him today & I defintiely started to cry! What freak! lol It's just good people are rare in this life & it's never easy to watch one walk out of your life, especially while still on good terms. Some people are only for a season, I know that, but it's still not fun watching them go. I swear! I should never try & be open after yoga cuz there are absolutely no walls to screen my emotions....it just all hangs out....& I tend to look like a freak! lol but anyway, I really hope you find you're looking for, Eric. Thank you for being you!

[music - Shout God's Fame Hillsong London]

So Sunday, I was feeling rather weird, & the most frustrating part was I had no idea why!!!!! It was just one of those days where it's a struggle to worship & it takes everything in you just to lift your hands. But from the moment I walked into the sanctuary God was talkin right to me. Me & my Mom walked in to the praise team singing this song with a chorus that goes

"Praise the Lord, it'll make you feel better, I know it will.
Just praise the Lord, it'll make you feel better."

Convo #1 & I knew it! But it just didn't seem to make the heavy cloak on me any lighter. Then during a transition into a new song, my favorite singer on the worship team (Maggie...I think! ::crosses fingers:: or maybe it was Dorkus...I dunno, anyway) She said,

"You know, in the bible it says that if we only have faith the size of a mustard seed we can move mountains!"

What's crazy about that is on the way to church I was brainstorming on more designs & was trying to work one out about moving mountains! It was like God was saying,

"It isn't enough that I give you this design about faith so I'll get the praise team to say it to you! Maybe then you'll get it!"

& I did.

I've been getting down on myself because my faith wasn't the size it used to be, but He never asked that of me. & It's okay for it to shrink sometimes because I am only human. In the words of John Reuben, "That's an expectation I shouldn't expect & that's a bar I shouldn't have set!" lol I love life in all its imperfections. I love me in all my imperfections. & I can do that because I trust in the One who is perfect!!!

Life is good

To you:

I hope one day we can sit down & talk

not about the weather or the clouds in the sky

or the war or the news or life in current events

One day we'll sit & share

bringing to light all the things in life

well, those that truly matter

like family & love & above all God

Hopefully, we'll come to a point

one I've imagined for so long

where we can come face to face

no walls, no masks, no pretense

just two friends in love with the Most High

two friends that have worked long & hard to reach this place of understanding

One day, I know the two of us will sit down as two true friends

& how I look forward to that day...

[music - Stanley Climbfall Lifehouse]

So the word of the day:

disillusionment - noun [dis·il·lu·sion·ment] 1. loss of false belief, disappointment caused by a frustrated ideal or belief

I thought I had learned the lesson that pedestals were meant only for frustration because its only human nature to be flawed, but wow! When I'm wrong I'm wrong. The only other woman, besides my mother, I've ever looked up to has officially fallen....or should I say been exposed.

Materialistic, self-centered, hard-headed to a fault - this has been the woman I've set my sights on being like. Boy, am I glad I failed (@ least for the most part...I hope). I've been told I am giving & considerate to a fault & that most would expect me to be more materialistic & up-ity than I really am, probably because those are arguably two characteristic that I despise the most in a person.

I've come to the realization that all we can do is be the best person we can be. Maybe I'm wrong about my cousin, maybe I'm the only one that is this dissappointed in the depth of her character(or lack thereof), maybe people look @ me the same way I'm looking @ her. In which case, it all comes down to my best judgement for me & no one else. To wake up every morning & strive to have character to my definition of character & hope that @ the end of the day I can go to sleep & say I contributed positively to the world today.

Recently, I've also been questioning my walk with God a lot. It's definitely been a bumpy ride over the last year or so but I feel like I'm on the brink of pushing thru to that new level that is the reason for it all. But how to press thru? That is what I've lost....or should I say forgotten. I think a good deal of my anxiety...doubt....uncertainty about me is I'm a feeler, a senser. I'm relying on my feelings to tell me how me & God are doing & I know from experience that feelings & emotions tend to be big fat liars.

My desire is to get back to that place where I don't need a "feeling" to tell me He is close or that I am doing the right thing. I've been there before so I have faith I can get back there. This time it'll just be a lil harder. But that's okay because I accept the challenge. The challenge to be my own woman, to stand up on my own two feet & take ownership of my realtionship with my Savior because @ the end of the day the buck stops with me & I can't rely on people to help because He is all the help I need.

So God, tonite I say to you: You are my One & Only. I've been making excuses & we both know that is not in my nature. Today, it begins...it begins & ends with me. I accept that responsibility & know that I only need to turn around to be right back in the security of Your arms. Thanks for never giving up on me. I love You.

Christin

oh p.s. Thanks for giving me such an awesome Mom & best friend. As flawed as she maybe she is absolutely perfect for me. You are definitely the best match maker there is.