You Will Be OK, I Promise

Sometimes I feel the way I think you feel right now.
I used to feel it pretty often.
It felt like all the time.
But now, I look back at all the really bad days
and I just can’t help but smile
at all the great days in between
And I know it doesn’t make a difference
or make anything better right now
Just know that things do get better
They always do
They have to
If for no other reason than to give us some place real high to fall from
Some place real high up.
Some place to bounce back to.
Because we do bounce back.
So stand up and go outside.
And feel the warm sun on your face.

-Eric Victorino

I wish my life was more like 1995

Lately, I've been craving 1995 like it's chocolate or maybe sweet nectar from the gods or something. To be 10 again & revel in the simplicity that comes with it. To be able to curl up in my mother's arms again & know it's perfectly okay to stay in this place forever. Maybe I'm just being emotional, or maybe a little too nostalgic but life was so much easier when things were simple. When I could sleep in for no other reason than I wanted to, without this monkey inside my head telling me the world will come to an end if I do just that.

I miss my mom's arms. I miss them because they are here, sitting in the other room, & I'm trying to make sure I don't get too attached. Because, in a few days, they won't be stretched out on my couch anymore. They'll be on an airplane, headed back to the east coast, the land of....home. I tried to be real suave there, come up with some super creative metaphor, but I couldn't. It's just simply home, not because I love it there, but because she's there. She's my best friend, mi amiga, my mamacita!, my partner in crime, my world traveler. Home is wherever we are.

I'm gonna be honest, I'm not a huge fan of the east coast. I'm really liking living out west. But I don't like living in a place that's not home & my chances of getting my home out west for good aren't looking so hot.

John Mayer – 83

Don't drop your arms, I'll Guard Your Heart

to say that today was an emotional roller coaster would be a gross understatement.
but this has all been for a reason.
to learn to truly let go & lose control.
it's really scary stepping out into the dark, falling fast.
if i can learn to trust in the Arms that are waiting this fear would become a freedom i've never known, truly exhilirating.
just breathe.
enjoy the weightlessness of falling into the arms of Love.
this lesson has been truly exhausting, i feel spent from my head to my feet.
totally empty, but in a good way.
i guess it's hard to fully trust since we've been trained not to with our duly flawed peers.
but the Lord, He's the guardian of my heart.
the One true Love of my heart.
my chest tightens as i struggle the part of me that wishes to hold on for dear life.
just breathe.
Love will catch me.
enjoy the falling.
enjoy the Love.
rest in knowing He's the Guardian of my heart & the true Lover of my soul.

my soundtrack for the moment

if the only way to get to know me was by 20 songs these would be my 20 i would give you (not in any particular order)

1. Dig - Incubus
2. For Freedom - Jimmy Needham
3. Bold as Love - John Mayer (but the original is Jimi Hendrix)
4. New Design - Thousand Foot Krutch
5. Everday - Dave Matthews Band (the version off of their Live @ Fenway Park album is a must!)
6. Everything is Beautiful - Starfield
7. Excuse Me Mr. - No Doubt
8. Evermore - Hillsong United
9. Believe - Frontline
10. Constantly - Monk & Neagle
11. Psalm 139 - Laura Woodley
12. Adam Lives in Theory - Lauren Hill
13. Everything - Lifehouse
14. Worlds Collide - Jars of Clay
15. It is Well with My Soul - Audio Adrenaline & Jennifer Knapp
16. Banana Pancakes - Jack Johnson
17. Anna Molly - Incubus
18. Rebel - Lauryn Hill
19. Together Again - Janet Jackson
20. Vultures - John Mayer Trio

[now playing: Something Real by Meg & Dia]

just when i thought i was king loser...

It would be pretty accurate to say, since moving to the desert, I've been in a rather awkward place emotional & spiritually.

Have you ever noticed, when you cut yourself, the phases of the healing process? The weird semi-scar thing that happens between the ouch-that-really-hurt stage & the oh-where-did-my-scar-go stage? Well, that's where I've been lingering for the past 6 months, healed but not quite back to normal. I forget sometimes that He really does know what He's doing & no matter how far I feel His plan for me is still in motion.

While I was in ATL, God really started talking to me about His grace. I stumbled upon this awesome book called A Scandalous Freedom which only emphasized how all-encompassing His grace is if I'd just shut up & go with it!

Which then led into not comparing myself to anyone. I am where I am, you are where you are, & she is where she is & all of that is exactly as it should be! Yes, encourage each other & push each other but I was allowing it all to become a kind of condemnation. This sort of grim reaper, gray cloud that always hung over my head, reminding me of all that He's done in & thru me in the past & the seeming lack thereof in the present. But all He asks of us is baby steps...baby steps! Who can manage baby steps when I want to run a marathon?! lol (& this was the beginning of my realization that patience isn't one of my virtues)

Now back @ work as the new kid on the block, I'm extremely competitive & ambitious so coming back & not having anything to do drove me nuts!!!!!!! I want business now! I want people to trust me now! I want it all to fall into place & the money start rolling in NOW! When I realized in all of my valiant efforts this wasn't happening I started questioning everything! Until God & I had a convo on the way to church last Sunday nite. He complimented me on all my efforts & hard work....then asked me when I was planning on asking Him what I should do to get business going. Yeah, I felt like an idiot. It all made sense! Because if it isn't God's plan for my business then everything I do is totally in vain. (Psalm 127 & Ecclesiasties 2)

& what's so cool about all of this is literally every single thing God told me over the past 2 months was confirmed the next time I walked into church. As if God was saying, "Here's what you need to know & I'll throw in this extra assurrance that you still can hear from Me." I wanted to ask, "How did You know I was...." yeah & then I realized how dumb that was & simply said, "ah ha, I gotcha!" (yes, I'm retarded)

It's just so cool how God makes you feel so special. I mean he designed 4 different sermons specifically for me! If anybody else got anything from them I know those couldn't have been more for me if the speaker began every sentence with, "So Christin...."

p.s. my friends are totally cooler than yours.....God's put some awesomely diverse people in my life that make me laugh each in their own unique way & what's life if it isn't filled with laughter?!?!?! gotta love my peeps lol

okay, call me weird...

....but I can't wait to be a mom!!!

I know you're wondering, "Is Christin pregnant?!" lol
no no no people.
have you ever seen the new abc show Brothers & Sisters?
it's about this extremely disfunctional family
& I love it!
they are not even close to being perfect
they're screw ups, crazys, & addicts
but they love each other with all the sincerity of the heavens
& I know that those years
the years where I finally get to play mom
will be the best years of my life

Trust, I'm loving life now
& I'm not trying to be married or pregnant any time soon
but if you know the tiniest thing about me you know that I am a family person 100%
so it's definitely been a little difficult being so far away from the fam
but hands down, the distance has only brought my family & I closer

I absolutely adore my mom
--& I'm seriously planting seeds for her to move to the desert--
but more than anything I admire & respect her so much
she's raised 2 kids who aren't too shabby if I do say so myself
(we're all entitled to a little horn tooting every once & awhile)
who love her like crazy!
I mean even my bro would say that he's close friends with our mom
& that's saying a lot for a 14 yr-old
she's impacted & influenced our choices, our character, our lives
more than anyone on this planet ever could.
She's been the crying sholder, the swift kick in the pants, & the cheereleader our whole lives
& she doesn't seem to be slowing down any time soon
she & only she has mastered the timing of which hat to put on when & for how long
(I'm hoping that comes with childbirth)
the older I get the more I realize I truly am turning into my mother
& everyday I thank God for it

She is the one who has taught me to love unconditionally,
dream the impossible, & believe in the only thing that's worth believing in
she still talks about my vivid imagination that I had as a child
& how it baffles her that I've held onto it for this long
but I pose the question to her
Well, where do you think I learned it from?

She is the reason I'm excited to start a family
she's taught me how invaluable they really are
& how lucky we are to count these people as jewels
our family is by no means perfect
but we love each other with everything that is in us
even though it's just me & my bro
I have cousins that looked after me like the older brothers & sisters I always never wanted
Aunts & neighbors who were definitely second mothers
& friends who knew exactly how I needed to be loved

I am blessed beyond measure
to say that life is good would be the understatement of a lifetime!
& there's nothing you can say to convince me otherwise

[music - Continuum John Mayer]

so I find that God has a really odd sense of humor...

I find myself surrounded by this air of expectancy. I don't know if it's God or just the voices of all those people back home. Moving here has placed me in a position surrounded by people on a different plane of life than I. Really, everyone in my office is married with kids. I know that's not the place I'm supposed to be right now, married @ 21 is definitely not for me this I know. But being around all these couples with the cutest kids is not makin being the new kid on the block any easier. Most people on their first jobs have @ least one person to go to happy hour with, someone to just kick it - guy or girl - & revel in the wonderful uncertainty that comes with this place I'm in. The closest single people in my vicinity are @ least 3 yrs younger than me &, again, not exactly @ the same place in life as I am. They're just starting school & super involved in church & totally me 4 yrs ago. So I'm definitely @ this weird in between place right now. But for probably the first time in my life I'd really really like to be with someone. I've always been super picky but I think maybe that was me guarding my heart. I'm no idiot, I know my limitations & I know in the past it was really easy for me to fall - fast & hard. But I don't think I'm there any more. I'd just like someone to watch movies with, to act silly with, just someone to connect with on some level. I just want to have fun right now & all I'm hearing is "settle down" & "if you haven't you may never". I know it's not true but it's hard to tune it out 24 hrs a day 7 days a week. aahhh!!! This longing, this longing without a face to go with it, this is definitely new for me. It's got me feelin like all those girls I always pitied - the kind that always had to have a man - & I feel weak. I don't like that. Not weak on moral, just...weak in character. I'm scared I'll reach the point where I start feeling incomplete because I don't have arm candy. That, my friends, is an extremely frightening thought.